Made it to Ecruteak

Ecruteak City is a lot sleazier than I remember. The place has really gone downhill in the last ten years.

Right as I hit the Pokemon Center I get to hear about "Kimono Girls" dancing...and their Pokemon. Ok so maybe it's some sort of festival dance show or whatnot.

An old man standing outside the dance theater:

"Hmm...

I thought I just heard a woman scream or something...

Is that just me?"

Is this such a common occurrence that you don't feel the need to investigate? I suppose informing random children wandering by is about as effective as reporting a possible crime to a police officer in this world. Especially since the police are more likely to just beat the old man up with a fire breathing hell hound than actually take any action that might result in discovering what's going on.

"Oh!

That's a nice Pokemon you're walking with!

They make you feel uplifted, don't they?

They give us the hope of the light, so to speak.

Speaking of the light, I heard something about the Lighthouse of Olivine.

The Pokemon that serves as the beacon has fallen ill.

Sounds like it's in trouble."

Sounds like innuendo and a poorly contrived segue. Next time just spit out your standard NPC "go here next" dialogue. Your attempts at creating conversation are a miserable failure.

Oh hey, this looks like a Burlesque house to me.

Upon entering I hear someone heckling the dancers. Turns out it's a member of Team Rocket:

"HEY! HEY!

Stop dancing such a serious dance!

Show me something like a hula dance!"

At least he's up front about wanting his pole dancing, unlike the rest of the faceless mooks in the joint.

Kimono girl:

"...You mustn't push such a request on me."

'Request' is clearly a euphemism, I don't think I need to elaborate.

Rocket:

"Huh?

Are you telling me you don't respect what the customer wants?

Well, then I'll show you how to dance.

I'll show you a great one.

Wahahaha!"

And then we all got to enjoy the Team Rocket striptease, much to the dismay of the customers who wanted to ogle the kimono girl instead and were secretly rooting for the Team Rocket thug.

"Oh... Ouch...!

This stomachache!

I wouldn't let this guy act like that were it not for this pain...!"

Flimsy excuses 101: Make it remotely plausible. If you're in that much pain you're not out at a show. Just one more example of the citizens of this world being utterly incapable of acting for themselves.

"What's the deal with that Team Rocket Grunt, messing with my Kimono Girl?

You are a Trainer, aren't you?

Please help her!"

Lecherous old man, check.

He does seem to be exercising a modicum of logic though. It does make more sense for the child armed with the creatures of Ragnarok to intervene rather than a frail and impotent NPC. His death shall be swift and relatively painless.

Ok, time to mess this place up. What does Kimono Girl have to say for herself?

"..."

Nothing apparently, she can be the first in line to the slaughter then.

Rocket:

"Huh? Who are you?

You dare to get in my way?"

Well yeah, seeing as how I didn't come here to see your pole-dancing. Since there's no security anywhere in the world it's up to us pre-pubescent children to become the bouncers of today's night clubs.

An insultingly short battle later:

"Looks like I lost..."

Check out Captain Obvious over here.

"Oh, no!

You make me look like a villain!"

1. That's not how that phrase works. There is no pause between words, it's one continuous statement.

2. You already looked like one. Wearing the "I am a criminal" company uniform does that.

"Oops!

I have an important mission."

Feeling up all the women in town?

"If they find out I was wasting time here, they'll make me start over as the lowest Team Rocket Grunt!

I better leave now!"

That's got to be a hell of an accomplishment considering how lowly every last one of them is. We're talking world class incompetence here.

Our lovely maiden seems rather unphased by the events that just took place.

"You must be Cid, correct?

That was indeed excellent.

Kind and strong...

Good at raising Pokemon as well...

That person does know what to look for in people...

Ohoho!

That was just me talking to myself.

Never mind."

Must resist urge to kill, must maintain illusion of sanity...

Oh it's no use. The ellipses are just too much along with the complete disconnect from the English language, not to mention reality. Also it appears that she might have actually been referring to the Rocket grunt, which makes me wonder if she really needed saving in the first place. I can't take it anymore. I should have let the Rocket just have his way with her. At least then we'd have an NPC taking decisive action to further their own agenda.

Lecherous old man from before:

"Wonderful!

You were so courageous for your age!

It was a rare sight to see!

I want you to have this.

Don't be shy--take it!"

No old man, I don't swing that way!

Oh, you just meant HM03. I guess I can live with that, just don't expect any favors later.

More old man:

"Not only are the Kimono Girls great dancers, they're also skilled at Pokemon.

But they battle only for good reasons.

I don't know if you could defeat them if they showed what they can do..."

So they're either into bestiality or they're going to molest me in lieu of actually battling me.

Got it.

No one's pants are safe in this game.

Small favors

For all this game does right it has a peculiar habit of giving me exactly what I want from time to time. Keeps me off balance that way.

I went to the National Park over the weekend and managed to catch myself a Scyther with a good nature and the ability Technician. This was exactly what I was looking for. Now I just need to find a metal coat item so I can evolve it and begin rebuilding my classic Silver team.

Good times indeed.

I swear this thing writes itself

Pokefan: "We adore our pokemon even if they despise us.

That's what being a Pokefan is all about."

Wow, it's nice to see some honesty, but damn.

My Mother is very loose with my money tonight. I really ought to stop having her hold onto it for me, but I haven't seen any banks so far. Law enforcement is pretty inept though, so my money is probably safer with her anyway.

Whilst exploring Goldenrod city department store I have confirmed that NPCs have no free will. The difference here being that the developers are no longer attempting to hide it. The elevator attendant tells me the basement is off limits to customers after dropping me off there at my request. I think I preferred it when they simply let children wander through the world unsupervised, stumbling into restricted areas with no security to speak of.

Psychic Mark: "Let me guess what you're thinking."

He knows about the flower shop lady. He must be silenced!

I found a guy standing next to the Sudowudo.

"I'm the Flower Shop's Floria!

Listen, listen! When I sprinkled water on that wiggly tree, it jumped right up!

It just has to be a Pokemon.

If you soaked it...

Oh, that's the SquirtBottle!

Soak the tree for me!

I want to see what happens!"

I'm sure someone who works for the flower shop is perfectly capable of operating a squirt bottle the same as any other person with even the most rudimentary motor skills, but hey, it sounds like he's curious in a voyeuristic manner. I can't really say that surprises me though.

"That was fun!

I want to give you this for entertaining me!"

I knew it! These people have weird fetishes.

Some guy on route 31 gave me the TM for Rest for delivering some mail. Then he spouted this little gem:

"The phrase 'recover fast' became shortened to 'Rest,' you see?"

I've seen this sort of mumbo jumbo before. This is basically a bit of Japanese wordplay using the Kanji of words to derive new meanings through combing them or pieces of them. Unfortunately it doesn't translate into Western culture at all, ever. So instead of dropping it or actually rewriting the script with any degree of effort, we get this sort of tripe. This adds nothing, it is easy to simply omit but no, we can't have intelligent script writing. This is a pokemon game. Instead we spread misinformation for today's youth to absorb and reiterate over the internet as they slowly kill language and culture as we know it.

I can't take anymore tonight. I'm out.

This is a lawless land

So it appears that law enforcement officials in this game have taken to ambushing small children at night and setting vicious beasts to attack them.

I was just attacked by a Policeman. What the hell is wrong with people in this game? They didn't do this back in Blue, they actually attempted to catch criminals back then. Ok they did a shitty job of it, but at least they weren't trying to assault children.

"Whoops"

Is that really all you have to say for yourself game?

Oh, night time is fun apparently. What a brilliant excuse. Don't overdo it you say? I'm not the one who's sneaking up on innocent bystanders in the middle of the night pal. At least Team Rocket has the decency to stand around conspicuously and announce their intentions to do you harm. Speaking of which, why don't I have the option to join Team Rocket? It'd be a wonderful change of pace and I'm fairly certain I could do a better job of running it than whoever's in charge of it now.

Oh the joy of inconsistencies. Lyra decides to call me to inform me of her Marill evolving into Azumarill. About 20 minutes later she calls to tell me about how her Marill stinks. Are we just ignoring the fact that it evolved? Give me an explanation here, don't just phone it in. Oh wait, that's the standard operating procedure here isn't it?

Christ, why even bother with having trainers harass me over the phone if you aren't even going to put any effort into making it consistent, much less worthwhile or entertaining.

Whitney: "Everyone was into Pokemon, so I got into it, too!"

For starters that's terrible use of punctuation dear. Secondly, what else is there to get into in this world? I don't think there are any other recreational activities or even non-pokemon related professions in this world. Everyone here eats, sleeps and breathes Pokemon. How could you not get into it? It's the entirety of the world's culture in the game world.

Whitney: "Pokemon are super cute!"

How on earth did someone this ditzy ever become a gym leader? The standards must be pretty damn low.

Whitney: "You want to battle?"

No actually, I just wanted a watering can but the lady at the flower shop said she wouldn't give me one unless I beat you up. Women, always so damn catty and hell bent on holding grudges.

Whitney: "I'm warning you-- I'm good!"

I sincerely doubt that. I also doubt that your Pokemon will be any better than you. As a brief aside: how in the world do middle schoolers end up as gym leaders? Oh wait, that's right, Pokemon training is the only profession in this world so school isn't important as long as you know how to throw a pokeball. This might explain why there are so many shitty trainers. Everyone ditches school and heads out to make their fortune. There should be more bodies on the side of the road though...

Ok that was embarassing. I forgot how much I hated her Miltank and Attract. Also: Normal moves hitting Ghost-type pokemon is new. Stupid abilities. They didn't have any of this sort of nonsense back in my day.

Onward to Round 2.

A well placed Curse and having a female Quilava work wonders. Much smoother, but Miltank is still a pain in the ass. At least she put up a challenge unlike all the other mooks in this game.

That's right, cry you wench. Your anguish pleases me. Yes I'm a meanie, get over it and hand over the badge.

She refuses to hand over the badge. This means I'm going to have to burn her gym to the ground. The first in a series of monuments. Or she could just hand it over after sniveling. Bah, what a load of nonsense.

Oh lovely, the guy who gives out obvious advice at gyms is a bit distracted. Apparently he was too busy ogling the female trainers to notice me beating them up. Or maybe he's just into that. He seems like the kind of creep who would get off on that.

Flower shop lady: Round 2

"Apparently, there is an odd tree on Route 36.

They say it dances when you water it...

Oh, that's a Plain Badge from Goldenrod Gym!

Did you defeat Whitney?!

Well, then there's nothing to worry about, is there?

I'll let you use this SquirtBottle for a while then...Oh, never mind.

Keep it!"

No I didn't defeat Whitney, I actually know a guy who's really good at making counterfeit badges. I still don't see how defeating a gym leader is a prerequisite for doing business at a flower shop to pick up some gardening tools. It doesn't make a damn bit of sense. It's not like she's even selling it and just being overly picky about her clientele. She's just giving these things away. So what was the point? It's not even the watering can I was promised. If I wanted a squirt bottle I could just use the empty container for one of the drinks from the vending machine on top of the department store.

Whoever was in charge of plot progression and quest advancement needs a swift kick in the pants.

The amount of stupid in this game hurts my soul

I've picked up Pokemon Soul Silver recently and playing through it has been a very strange experience.

On the one hand, it's an awesome trip down nostalgia lane with a new modern flare.

On the other hand, it has become increasingly clear that they've managed to butcher every opportunity for dialogue in ways never before imagined.

Here's a good example from early on in the game. When you receive an egg from Mr. Pokemon, you have to take it to Professor Elm. This is the strange guy who decided it was a good idea to provide me with my own personal monster who could very easily burn any given town until it was nothing more than a black scorch on the earth where nothing would grow for generations as a monument to my hatred, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So yes, you get an egg and then this professor manages to somehow know immediately and gives you a call. Presumably you relay what little information about the egg you have to him and he tells you to come back to his lab. Upon arriving he gets more excited. In fact he gets a little too excited:

Professor Elm:

"You are making me all excited!

I'll give you a present for that.

Take it!"

The underlying subtext is of course: "in the ass".

This is what our semi-parental mentor/authority figure is saying to our pre-pubescent protagonist. There's something wrong here.

The stupid doesn't stop there though. Not only do we have pedophiles handing out behemoths of destruction, but we also have plenty of NPCs with logic that would drive any sane person to homicide.

I recently ran across a flowershop in Goldenrod City. The shop-keeper had this to say:

"Apparently there is an odd tree on Route 36.

They say it dances when you water it...

Oh, of course not!

This is a Flower Shop, so we do have watering cans and things like that...

But I cannot let you have one!

It's too dangerous!

Hmmm...

Well, maybe if you manage to defeat the Goldenrod Gym Leader, it might be OK..."

In case you are wondering, yes that quote is verbatim. Nothing was omitted from start to finish.

Where to start with this clusterfuck? How about the "Oh, of course not". What the hell is that even referencing? Did they forget part of the script? Was this a translation problem or did the script just not make any sense to begin with?

Then there's the matter of her trying to tell me I can't have a watering can because it's too dangerous! Seriously, what kind of reasoning is that? Do all your customers have to go beat up gym leaders in order to purchase basic gardening equipment? Maybe she's just afraid of letting me get ahold of a blunt metal object because she knows when I do I'm going to splatter her face across the front store window and grind the rest of her up to help grow all her plants.

Holy hell game, you could at least try. Here's a good alternative: Oh sorry, we're out of stock. Of course they only magically restock once you beat the gym leader but at least it'd make more sense than trying to tell me watering cans are too dangerous for people who haven't beaten up little girls who play dress-up with their pokemon.